Bilzzards

Great many feelings sweep away our mind and hearts, like blizzards and tornadoes. Unclear in their origin and unyielding in description, they bring about misery and anxiety in their wake. Something about them is obstinate and strong, and they refuse to be dispelled. In fact, I am sure some part of my heart loves this feeling, of being taken away by emotions, of drowning in them. And when the heart tugs, the mind relents. 

A great part of a good life lies in very simple things. Good food, good sleep, simple habits and rituals. They lay the foundation for much of our business. Troubled sleep, a result of heavy dreams, is often caused by indigestion. And a troubled sleep sets off a terrible day. 

Something ticked me off today. It started with a terrible sleep, which was followed by the horrible sights of garbage strewn on the road as I stepped out. I felt the need to respond. An anger and disgust swept through me. And the sense of helplessness made things worse. 

Rest of the day followed, with intermittent discomfort and anxiety, caused by one thing or the other.

By the evening, an anger set it. An anger with the self and my failure at succeeding in life, as a saw an old classmate's facebook page.

There are many things at play in my head. Obsession with myself is chief among them. My own success and failure, my own problems. Being easily frustrated by small events in the day. 

There is a great need to stop thinking about oneself and to take it very lightly. Our self is our story, and it will most likely be one of failures. Very rarely is it one of continuous success. Even the very successful ones perhaps only see their failures, but in other parts of life?

The need to create something is beautiful. To create it with all your heart is amazing. But then when I start thinking in terms of goals and delays, in terms of immediately solving or doing something, it causes much grief and frustration.

Perhaps, for someone of my temperament, it's best to build slow and easy, towards something beautiful, not necessarily lasting, but never hasting either. Something that is a reflection of myself and perhaps even God. I am no blistering thunder, no bolt of lightening and assuming that I have any such characteristics would be a mistake

But why build at all? Hold on!

I am also triggered by many things I see and I want to help solve so many problems. I feel the need to respond to all these challenges and be a part of the solution.

And yet I am humbled by my circumstances. My lack of resources, time, courage. How do I respond to these currents, these demands that my mind places.

One thing is, I am only human and this is what it means and feels like to be human. Mankind has rarely been perfect and the arc of justice has moved ever so slowly in the right direction. It has also incidentally moved in the other way too, almost always, but in different ways. 

Such is the nature of this universe. So, in the cosmic sense, if this planet is insignificant, if the living condition has more often been wretched for some or the other people, unjust, cruel and unfair, then what is there to strive for in this temporary world. To me, this world will disappear very soon. It's a short sweet span of time.

The only place to start, be and to end is love. Love is many things ,but among it is an honest relaxation about the self. A love for the body and the mind, not for the ego and its image. A love for what I is, just a body and mind, not for what I am, a story and a mirage. 

Thereafter, it's a willingness to suffer through our love for others, take humiliation, take defeat, take failure. Even importantly, change our gaze, from being constantly inward, inward in the sense of self mooring, mourning and narcissism to thinking about others, more continuously, persistently, as a habit. 

That practice can perhaps relieve one of the burden of the self and it's failure. My sorrow story will always be there, despite my relatively great life and fortune. It can liberate me from my cage of self obsession.